(SCENE: The studios of WFLK, Channel 7 -- Columbus. After several minutes of rousing theme music and flashy graphics, anchorpersons Bob Hart and Jane Doyle begin the six o'clock newscast.)

HART: Tonight's top story...there were no murders, rapes, or bank robberies in the Columbus area during the last 24 hours, so tonight's newscast will be shortened to 15 minutes. Jane?

DOYLE: Thanks, Bob. I'm sure all our viewers remember the horrible beating that trucker Reginald Denny received during the Los Angeles riots. Well, we have some good news for you: WFLK showed that clip to you more often than any other Columbus news station, which again illustrates why we are the only choice for Columbus residents who want the news first and best. Let's show it one more time.

HART: Oh, that is horrible...absolutely horrible...look at what those animals are doing...that never loses its power to shock, does it?

DOYLE: We hope not.

HART: On a brighter note, we want to tell you about the extraordinary success of the fundraiser we sponsored along with radio station WHAH 97 -- "Not too hard, not too light, not too modest" -- to help out Upper Arlington teenagers whose parents can't afford nice cars for them.

DOYLE: You know, Bob, the social stigma of not having a new car to show off can be just devastating. I really feel for those kids.

HART: With my deep, manly, confidence-inspiring voice doing the announcements, we raised $35,000 -- more than any other station's fundraiser. Again, we've shown that Channel 7 is the best station in Columbus. Jane?

DOYLE: Political leaders are complaining about the plot line of yet another television show. Cabinet secretary Louis Sullivan denounced a recent episode of Channel 7's own Shaker Heights, 44120 in which cast members smoked crack and said they enjoyed it. Sullivan said that this sends the wrong message to young teenagers. When are political leaders going to learn that these characters are fictional? Why don't they spend their time solving real problems instead of griping about television? I'm sick and tired...umm...the producers, the producers of the show said they are sick and tired of this interference. Bob?

HART: And now for the weather, we turn to WFLK weatherman Chyp Shott. How's the golf game, Chyp?

SHOTT: You beat me pretty good yesterday.

HART: Well, yes, but you have to remember...(flip the cue card!)...you have to remember that I've been playing for a long, long time.

SHOTT: Not as long as Buddy over there! Ha, ha, ha. First, I want to show everyone Jane's vacation photos from Bimini. There's the beach, that's nice. And, oh, what a beautiful sunset! And that's the ocean, right? Aaah, and here's a cute picture of Bob and Jane...

DOYLE: How did that get in there!?

HART: And now for sports with Channel 7's own Buddy Blake! (Flip up the cue card!) I guess now that Doc Severinsen has left the Tonight Show, you'll be bidding on his wardrobe?

BLAKE: No, no, I've known Doc for many years, and he'll just give me most of it to auction off for charity. Did you know that Channel 7 news personalities raise more money for charity than any other station?

HART: I did not know that! I guess that proves...

BLAKE: That's enough chat, let's get to the sports. Every local team lost miserably today. The Buckeyes, the Clippers, the Glory, everyone. They stunk up their respective fields and courts and brought shame and dishonor onto our fair city. They produced enough free manure to save Ameriflora. But we should all be proud of them and I congratulate them all on seasons that made us realize how lucky we are to live in such a great sports town. Bob?

HART: That's all for tonight. Join us tomorrow for our special feature on the high school yearbook photos and memories of the Channel 7 team.

Steve Casburn is a senior from Benicia, California majoring in economics. He thanks the local broadcasters who made this column possible.